SimplyMom: Staying Connected

Posted by Mary

If your house is anything like mine, you’ll recognize the following scenario:

Loving mother at the end of a school day: “So how was your day?”
Child, reaching for a cookie: “Fine.”
Mother: “What did you do in school?”
Child: “Nuttin.” Then he stuffs whole cookie into his mouth, effectively ending this little exchange (which he considers an inquisition and mom thinks of as being concerned and interested).

You know, my middle son wrote over seven thousand text messages last month. That’s seven with three zeros. So how come I can’t get him to exchange a dozen words with me?

Well, apparently, around the age of twelve, kids develop a great need for privacy (as well as all the other changing going on). No wonder puberty is such a challenge – for all of us.

Want to be kept in the loop? Try some of these tips:

• Converse, don't confront. “Most of our interactions with our kids are when we’re standing over them, barking commands. This can be intimidating and upsetting,” says Kirk Martin, director of education at Celebrate Calm. “Instead, try assuming a calm pose when you talk to your tween. Sit with your feet up. It immediately relaxes you and makes lecturing feel stupid. Plus now you’re on eye level with your tween and you’re communicating.” But Martin says you shouldn’t insist on eye contact. “Telling your child to “look at me when I’m talking to you” is a surefire way to get them to shut down inside.”
•Ask your child’s opinion. And then listen. This is tougher than it sounds, says Bonnie Russell of 1st Pick. “You need to listen without judgment. So when kids say something outrageous or completely out of whack, parent can practice keeping their facial expressions passive and interested.” Judgment (in words or expression) will shut the door to conversation, so practice your poker face.
•Listen to yourself.Specifically, listen to your tone when you speak to your child. “Do you sound whiny? Does your tone express impatience or frustration? Is your manner of speaking making the child feel wrong?” asks Bob Lancer, author of “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.” Make sure your end of the conversation helps your child trust you understand and care about him – no matter what he’s saying.
•Remember alternative means of communication.Today’s teens do not communicate in the same methods you used when growing up. “Did you have a cell phone or a Facebook or even a computer?” asks Handler. Try to speak to them using their favorite methods. “There’s nothing wrong with sending your child a text message or an email every once in a while. If nothing else, it might make you almost cool enough to respond to.
•Two words that open doors: I'm sorry.Apologize when you’re wrong. If you can verbally acknowledge your own mistakes, your tween will realize she can make some too – and she’ll open up about them (and everything else) more readily.
•Speak indirectly.If your tween isn’t comfortable saying things aloud, communicate through journal entries. Shirley VanScoyk, stepmom of three, remembers even using the family pet. “I once said to my foster daughter who didn’t talk much, “The dog wants to know why you’re sad today.” She laughed, and that actually started a very important conversation. The dog, she and I sat on the sofa and talked for more than an hour.”

And remember, that need for privacy kicks in just when he needs communication the most. Sounds like a classic catch-22, but you can help nurture communication with your tween. How? Give him opportunity to talk about the things that interest him – and do it without judging or criticizing, if possible. That way, he'll be more able to open up and let the words flow.

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SimplyMom: Staying Connected

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