SimplyMom: BodyWise

Posted by Mary

Here we go again - I'm going to start a diet and exercise plan. I know most women contemplating losing weight in the summer because of the bathing suits, but not me. No, I do it for the amusement rides.

"If you can't buckle it, we're going to have to ask you to get off the ride." These words, spoken by a skinny, acne-scarred teenager operating the Ride of Steel at the Darien Lake Theme Park Resort, still echo in my mind whenever I consider a new roller coaster.

Get off the ride? How could I get off the ride, with my husband watching from the back seat and my ten year old son looking a bit embarrassed from his spot next to me? I sucked in my breathe, pushed in my stomach and snapped the safety belt in place.

But I knew I was already falling out of control. My family - who loves me no matter what - didn't say a word, but I knew they were all thinking, "She's too fat." And, as I rode that coaster up and down the steepest hill, I realized I had to stop, to change, before I was off the ride for good.

It's happened to me before, actually. Not the ride part, but the "too fat and too embarrassed to be a part of life" part. Back on my honeymoon in New Hampshire, my darling husband urged me to try skiing. Now, skiing would be something right up my alley, once upon a time. I love snow, and speed, and I would have loved to try to rush down the slope with my husband beside me. But I said no, knowing I couldn't fit into any snow gear they had on the premises. He even offered his new jacket - "It's huge!" - but I couldn't shut it around my belly. He didn't say a word after that.

And I hate the way I avoid being in pictures. My husband thinks it's a lifelong "thing" of mine, but I know it's not. I know I just hate how I look, and being forced to see myself as the fat ugly person I am. But it hurts me to think my children will have no pictures of me standing with them, hugging them, as they were growing up.

So I'm here because I want to make some changes, in my life, in my work, and mostly in myself. And I want to be accountable for what I'm doing, even if it's only to the words on the page.

With the help of God, Leslie Sansone tapes, Weight Watchers menus and some close encouraging friends, I hope to do the work so I never embarrass my family again. I want to stop worrying about what clothes will fit, or avoiding being in photographs because I can't stand how I look. I want to live in the real world, beyond these dreams.

I want to be a part of my own life. And I want so much to stay on the ride.

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SimplyMom: BodyWise

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